I have come to learn that I am grieving my life. I am grateful to give what I am feeling a name. For months I have been in pain and anguish. It's hard, because I feel I make it look easy to onlookers. People don't see me. They see surface. And that doesn't reveal anything about me, it's their depth. Not mine.

I will be 50 years old at the end of this year. Nothing that I have worked hard to accomplish, nothing that I have survived, no number of lessons that I have learned has prepared me for the fact that I have nothing I really want. And the chilling fact that it probably won't happen.

Financial stability and security. A healthy, loving romantic relationship. Family and friends. Thriving in my gifts and sharing them with the world. To come this far and fall this short has been excruciating.

I have lived most of my life in survival and isolation. Despite my best efforts, these are the current facts.

Can that change at any time? Sure. That's the only thing that has pulled me through to this point. I will be 50 years old in less than three months. Although there are some amazing miracles that could happen, there are others that, at this point, that will never happen.

I will never have children. It was never really a high priority or even on my list. I figured if I ever did have a child, I would want to raise one with someone on the same page. I wouldn't purposely want a child just selfish needs. To create love in another human is not something I will experience this time around. Love, with no place to go…….

I will probably never have a healthy, loving romantic relationship. After an experience this year that has left me gob-stopped and baron, I really don't want one anymore. I believe in miracles, and the shift from Fear to Love in this scenario plays out like a never-ending story. I am open to seeing this differently, and seeing the reality that men are so broken and beside themselves is a glaring neon sign for VACANCY.  Where are The Protectors? The Divine Masculines? Love, with no one to share and no opening to receive. No place to go.

Family and friends. The ones you chose, and the ones you choose before we decided to come to this Earth school. Most of my family has crossed over. I have some blood relatives, but we maybe speak once a year. Although there is Love, it's not prevalent. My childhood friends have their own lives. We barely speak, and we have such different lives. I am the only one not married or have children. And making friends as an adult is far worse than I imagined. It's just a test of all the lessons you've learned. Rarely is there a lasting connection. Love, that seems like it has wings, only flutters and bares the illusion of flight. It's just Love with no place to go.

My financial situation and living my gifts fall close together. The hard place of security is where many people living on the planet fall right now. It's on purpose. It's keeps us groveling and steals our energy so that we may not live in Joy and Love. Most people will understand this grief. "Robbing Peter to save Paul" leaves you overly spent. The last thing you want to do is give. You're so busy trying to lick your wounds, there's no room to help bandage others. Love, with no energy to propagate and falls at your feet. No place to go.

Living on a "wing and a prayer" makes it hard to do what I am believe I am here to do: HEAL. (And as I write that word, I see that has always been what I do). I am here to be a facilitator of God's Love. I know I am used through my lessons to teach. I have asked God several times to show me, show me just one woman who has done what I am trying to do! And no one has shown up. It only tells me more that I AM the living example. I AM the one to show it is possible to thrive and break every norm on the way.  We have been lied to all along. Love is the ONLY way. And people think you're crazy and childish for believing that would be real. FUCK YOU! 

We all experience grief at one time or another in our lives.  We grieve our loved ones, our pets, our homes. More than once. This is a grief that is not often spoke about. Now that I have an opening to fall into and break, I will be met by Grace to carry me through.

I ask you to leave. I would like to Heal.

To all those in midst, I am sending my Healing Love.

Julia xo

"And I hope you feel better

Now that it's out

What took you so long?

And the truth has a habit

Of falling out of your mouth

Well, now that it's come

If you don't mind

Leave, leave

And please yourself at the same time

Leave, leave

Let go of my hand

You said what you came to now"

Lyrics by Glen Hansard, "Leave"